I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
