I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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