I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
