also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
