Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
