Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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