i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
