why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
