No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
