When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
