nut hugger
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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