Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
