Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
