the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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