I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
