No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
