just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
