Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
