Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
