I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
