That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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