he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
