if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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