I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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