i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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