True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
