this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
