fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
