dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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