textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
