Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
