We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
