my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
