we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
