party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
