The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
