If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
