I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
