He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just forgot I was standing up.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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