for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
