I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
