I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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