My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
then he tried to convert me to islam
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
