Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
