so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
