if i can run in heels then i can drive
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
