I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
they need to just BURY HIM!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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