I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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