omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
