Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
