My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
