I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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